distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
