Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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