just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
