I want to make a zoo with you.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
