I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
