apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
