take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
