I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
