Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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