You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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