You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Couch. On fire.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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