the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
