The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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