New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
