DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
