I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The Olympian is in my bed
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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