he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
