Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
