I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
