I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
third nipple confirmed
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
