dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
