did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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