Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
