Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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