She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
