dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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