girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
