I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
