Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize