Your tits are I can't wait for
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you will always have a special place in my vag
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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