Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
