His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
