Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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