so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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