chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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