I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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