So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
