Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
