i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I deserve this hangover.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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