I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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