i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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