I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize