im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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