I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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