Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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