I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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