Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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