i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize