Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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