Just fell off a train. Bad.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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