I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
