I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sext me about skeletons
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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