My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
