How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
