i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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