hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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